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| Not Ready, At a Loss for Words, Disappointed with Disheveled | |
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| Topic Started: Feb 27 2010, 09:23 AM (131 Views) | |
| Post #1 Feb 27 2010, 09:23 AM |
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Saturday, February 27, 2010 DEAR NOT READY: It is hard to believe Abby chose to answer this letter. The information you provide is so sketchy that a quality answer is impossible to give without making assumptions. Since Abby answered, you'll get one here too. Unfortunately, that answer will be based on some assumptions that might not be correct. Based on the assumption that you are hesitant to tell your girlfriend that you do not want sex yet because it will damage or end your relationship, the advice would be to tell her anyway. Choices we make have consequences. You have three choices: cave in and have sex, don't tell her and don't have sex, or tell her. All three options have consequences. The choice with the least consequences is telling her. If she cannot respect your decision, then she is not the best girlfriend for you. And, while the potential break-up will seem earth-shattering at this time, rest assured that, over time, you will come to realize that, if you break up, it is for the best. Based on the assumption that you don't want to talk to your parents about sex because you feel that you cannot confide in them your deepest, darkest thoughts, the advice would be to talk to them anyway. Abby's suggestion to talk only to your father is a good one. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised with how well he handles the situation. However, if talking to your parents is out of the question, talk to your priest/pastor/rabbi or some other adult whose moral advice it trustworthy. I don't recommend a professional counselor, since, while they are good at teaching problem solving, they rarely are good at doing so from the perspective of morality. DEAR AT A LOSS FOR WORDS: Contrary to Abby's answer, if you offer to host a playdate, expect the offer to be reciprocated. Don't make the offer unless you are ready to deal with the return invitation, either by accepting it, or by finding a way to decline it with finality. And, that is precisely the dilemma you are having and which Abby did not address. Find out once and for all whether Julie's home is a place where you'd be comfortable, from both a moral and a safety perspective, leaving Kayley. Ask to meet with Julie's parents in their home. At the meeting, be frank that you are checking whether you would feel comfortable leaving Kayley in their care (without mentioning why you might not). If they become defensive and resentful, you will know not to allow playdates at their home. If, on the other hand, they congratulate and thank you for being so careful (which is doubtful), then you can cautiously schedule a first playdate. Talk extensively with your daughter about her experience after that date. If you choose not to meet with Julie's parents, assume the worst, and do not allow a playdate at Julie's home. Now, you will face the dilemma of inviting Julie or not. Choose and accept the consequences. The consequence of having Julie for a playdate is that you can count on the return invitation. You will have to decline it. Period. That will be uncomfortable and unpleasant. Doing the right thing often is. Deal. The consequence for making a final decision not to offer a playdate is constant pestering from Kayley, asking the dreaded "Why not?" You will not be able to explain to Kayley why not, in terms she can fully understand. You can say, "Because we feel better about you and Julie playing here." But, she likely won't let you stop there. You need to be able, as a parent, to exercise the because-I-said-so option. Frankly, parents know better than children, and children are not always morally and intellectually ready to hear or accept our reasoning. They are also not likely to keep the confidentiality of our reasoning and not likely to pass it on with all the needed nuances when they, quite naturally, complain about your decision to their friends. You don't have to use the words, "Because I said so," but that is the idea that you need to convey. DEAR DISAPPOINTED WITH DISHEVELED: Is your husband a frugal person? Is he more comfortable with the known, and hesitant to try new things? Probably so. He finds clothing that works for him and gets the most out of them, without a lot of concern for what others think. Accept him for who he is. At most, try to sand the rough edges. If you are going some place where you want to give a good impression, take Abby's advice, and offer to help your husband shop for clothing for that occasion. Expect some resistance. However, if you are not constantly badgering him about his appearance, he will be much more likely to go along with buying some new clothes when you occasionally ask him to do so. |
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3:05 AM May 22