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| Low Priority - Take 2 | |
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| Topic Started: Feb 23 2010, 10:15 AM (151 Views) | |
| Post #1 Feb 23 2010, 10:15 AM |
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Tuesday, February 23, 2010 Original column, December 11, 2009 Abby gets one right, and takes flak for it! So, let's address the original letter-writer. DEAR LOW PRIORITY: Why are you surprised? This man misses his original family and dotes (excessively so) on his children while they are spending a small percentage of their time with him. You and your son are simply a "suitable substitute" when his children are not there. You provide him the semblance of his still having a family that helps him deny that has family is shattered. You provide him a wife-like substitute to satisfy his needs there. Why would he get married? He is getting as close to the experience he misses as is possible. The real question is: Why are you continuing in this relationship? What is it that you are getting out of it? Whatever it is, it must be enough to get you to stay, despite you and your son clearly being just an expedient. If you want to know where to proceed from here, ask yourself what you can do to give your son the best possible life until he is grown. Put aside your needs and wishes, and make a genuine effort to be the best parent you can be. That will surely involve leaving this man and this unhealthy relationship. Now, to address some of Abby's complaints: DEAR JAYMI: Three years is not too long to be engaged, not generally at least. Possibly, we wouldn't be dealing with two single parents here if they had taken more time the first time before getting married and making children. It is too long in this case, because marriage is clearly not in this man's plans. Also, you are judging this father out of context. While I would agree that his parenting techniques are poor, this situation is not a good indicator of how good a father he'd be in the context of and intact family. He is indulging his kids because he so rarely sees them. Of course, that excuse does not justify his poor parenting, it merely explains why you cannot assume that he would parent badly in all circumstances. DEAR ELIZABETH: True. DEAR FORMER STEPMOTHER: If you refused to accept the reality of the situation, that the children of your ex-husband's original family would be the priority in his life, then you should never have married him in the first place. A three-year engagement would have revealed this truth before you said "until death do us part." DEAR THERAPIST: The term "blended family" is deceptively complimentary. I makes two (or more) shattered families joining into a single unit sound smooth. "Jury-rigged" would probably be a more apt term, carrying the meaning that the family was slapped together out of available parts, disregarding any intent in the original engineering. In whatever way a family comes into being, you are right that the parents need to be the executives. However, it is important to understand that not all parents will, after a family is shattered, be the most effective parent. Entering into a jury-rigged family situation with such a parent would be foolish. And, therein lies Low Priority's mistake. |
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3:01 AM May 22