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| Underage drinking; Several questions for the panel | |
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| Topic Started: Sep 29 2007, 03:59 PM (588 Views) | |
| Post #21 Oct 2 2007, 09:18 PM |
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Remember, Goofball.... he's not attacking you as a parent. He's just questioning your reasoning. Don't take it personally.
:) I wasn't clear- how old is your daughter? I know she is an adult, and I don't want to be presumptuous about her age (or yours ;) ) Was the legal drinking age 18 or 21? Myself, I don't think that these days allowing underage drinking in the home is a good idea for 3 reasons. First of all, it is against the law. I personally would not want to take the risk of the legal ramifications should the party that I host at my home for underage persons get busted or if someone from my party be hurt or killed as a result of my allowing them to become intoxicated under my watch. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Second, it demonstrates to the young people that we have the freedom to choose which laws/rules we will obey and which ones we will not and that it is okay as long as we don't get caught. Third, as I mentioned in a different thread and alluded to again here, kids these days simply have too much freedom and too little guidance. Most are for all practical purposes their own bosses with their own rules; autonomous. Announcing to an underage person that "drinking is okay as long as it is in our home" will translate to "underage drinking is okay." Children these days are more likely to take authority upon themselves and drink whenever and wherever they choose to. |
Civilian
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| Post #22 Oct 3 2007, 09:54 AM |
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Nikki, My daughter was 19 at the time (drinking age was 21 in CA). She is now 21. Her two friends that joined her where 20 and 21. It wasn't a party with a bunch of people. It was my daughter and her 2 friends. My hubby and I were there. The car keys, including ours were locked in the safe and no one knew where the safe was, except hubby and I. No one got drunk, so there was no more risk of someone getting hurt at our home, than any other time. My daughter had told me during a conversation (not a lecture) that yes, she was drinking at parties. I said that is not acceptable for all the reasons - legal, risk of death, etc. So, we made an agreement, she could drink at home and have a friend or two to join her. It worked. She did her one drinking session (for lack of better word) at home with her two friends and she stopped drinking at parties. As I said - I don't recommend this for every parent. This worked for me, both as a parent and as a child when I was growing up. My daughter and I are very similar, so I figured it would work with her as it did with me. And another repeat - I got the results I was looking for. No more drinking at parties where I could not control the situation. My daughter knew the laws and the my rules. But my kid is very independent and very head strong. I parented based on those facts. And I did what I felt was necessary to get her to full adulthood. And like I said - I still hound her about drinking and making sure she has a designated driver if she goes out. She's 21 and technically I have no place in telling her what to do. But I do and she respects that about me. Hey, I would have loved having a completely mindful child (one that doesn't question rules and authority), but basically I got what I was as a child. And thankfully I knew how to deal with it. We all have to make decisions based on what facts we have at that moment. I did what I did, right or wrong from someone elses viewpoint, but my daughter is still alive and that is truly all that matters to me. And she is a productive member of society. And I have other adult friends that think I did good as a mommy. She has been helpful to my friends from the town I left when moving to TX. She didn't have to be. She did it because I asked and because she is nice and thoughtful of others. I understand your comment about not taking it personally. But I do. I raised my kid (mostly as a divorced parent) - I didn't always have help. And any parent knows - it's a lot of work to raise a kid. And I found it difficult doing it all on my own. I had male friends that would step in when they could, but they weren't around 24/7 like a husband. And when I was married to her father, he never once said "mind your mother" and he'd let her get away with anything and everything. So I had to 1) teach her that mommy had different rules than daddy and when she lived with mommy she had to live by mommy rules and 2) teach her the laws and rules of life in general - with basically no back up. So in some respects I had it doubly hard - but she's raised and she's a good, decent, respectful adult. |
Civil Servant
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| Post #23 Oct 3 2007, 10:51 AM |
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| Did the friends stay overnight? Who determined when they were sober enough to drive home? I would NEVER serve alcohol to an underaged person who was not my child due to the massive liability you would face if that underaged person was pulled over for DUI (or worse, injured or killed someone in an alcohol related car accident). |
Civilian
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| Post #24 Oct 3 2007, 11:58 AM |
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Please re-read what I wrote. Keys were locked up in safe. Everyone spent the night. No one got drunk to begin with. The two guests drove home the next day after a full night of sleep and breakfast - no risk of danger. This wasn't a drunken bash. It was a "social event" - dinner, two drinks at most, sleep, breakfast. Call it "an almost adult sleepover". The other "kid" that was 20 was also allowed to drink at her house. No big deal. Her parents knew where she was and what she was doing. I wouldn't serve or allow a "kid" to drink if I was violating their parents rules. Just not in my nature. Same as I wouldn't want another parent to allow my kid to do something I didn't allow. And one of the "kids" was 21. Legal to drink anywhere she wanted. But she liked the idea of me protecting my kid, so she joined us. |
Civil Servant
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| Post #25 Oct 3 2007, 01:12 PM |
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Goofball, with consideration for your feelings, I am glad for you and your daughter that it seemed to work out for the best. Your daughter is responsible and has a good head on her shoulders, so apparently the get-togethers that you described were productive considering that you had a close and solid relationship with her. You are probably being met with resistance here because it just seems like your case is an exception to the rule. In general today, kids are out drinking and doing drugs and having sex at younger and younger ages, and I feel that allowing room for children to experiment is more dangerous given that parents are not as involved as they should be, as you were with your daughter. Now it is more important than ever that parents be involved and stress the dangers of such behavior and do everything that they can to mentor responsibility and and strength to resist such pressures. |
Civilian
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| Post #26 Oct 3 2007, 04:10 PM |
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| Your BAC can be over the DUI limit and not be "drunk". |
Civilian
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| Post #27 Oct 3 2007, 05:00 PM |
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Nikki, You got it. It worked for me and my daughter. I could not and would not expect it to work for other parents. I agree, parents need to parent. I didn't have that. I did the best with my kid and not from any great experience from my parents. Basically did most things the exact opposite. When my daughter got extremely stupid and tried drugs, I wanted to kill her (not literally, but it upset me so much, especially since she almost ODd). My mistake for not talking to her about the dangers of drugs. She'd sworn since she was much younger (9 or so) that she'd never do drugs. So, we didn't talk about. She did not know that I'd done some drugs in my stupid ages. So she was afraid to talk to me about it. Then I found out - I had spies all over that she didn't know about (and she wasn't living at home at that point). That's when we started doing a whole lot more talking. I also made her move back home. And I got her away from the bad influences. The guy that introduced her to drugs is still on my hit list. She knows it and he knows it. And that was 4 years ago. It's a difficult job to raise kids. You can't watch them 24/7 and you can have all the talks with them that you can. But, they do do things they shouldn't no matter how many times you talk to them about the dangers, the laws against it, etc. Or how good of an example you set. Kids think they know it all, when they don't. So they mess up, we kick there butts (again, not literally), we have talks, etc. We (at least me) hope that they finally wake up and smell the coffee and realize that parents do know what they are talking about because we are older and in my case, been there, done that. I know my parenting is different than most. But, it works for me and my kid. And it's worked for the kids that I've helped raise. My daughter's friends come to me, when they need a mommy - we talk openly and I don't judge them. But they do get told that they are messing up when they need it. Or they ask how they can talk to their own parents. I see and hear what is going on out there with kids. It makes me sick. But I can't parent every kid. I raised mine and a few of her friends and a few kids of my friends. And when I'm around anymore kids, I'll parent them if needed. I'm just a mommy at heart and needed a whole bunch of my own. But only got one. |
Civil Servant
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| Post #28 Oct 3 2007, 06:29 PM |
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If one of the kids had a negative reaction to the alcohol and, God forbid, died, the adult who served him alcohol could be facing felony charges--manslaughter (recklessness) or, possibly, even murder (depraved indifference). Serving alcohol to minors is illegal and unwise--from a legal and moral standpoint. |
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8:25 AM Sep 6
